We all get crushed by something in life. Lost and despair. The moment where everything changes for us. Where your heart sinks into your stomach and you want to form into a ball and cry. We are snotty nosed and tear streaked like our two year old selves, because again we didn’t get what we wanted this time. The pain can be so unbearable and you feel like you’re dying. And you want to die because the thought of moving on without this person, career, possession, etc is too hard to bear.
You gave your heart to someone. That one time against better judgement you gave every single cell in your body to someone. And damnit you thought it was going to be different this time. We thought we’ve learned from our mistakes, and we just knew it, we just knew this time for sure it would work. But it didn’t and we feel stupid. There’s shame. Because again we couldn’t get it together. Again another failure. And were too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone else, because the snot nosed kid in us doesn’t want to be pointed, poked, and laughed at. Because in this world were supposed to have our shit together by 25. And were 30 now. “I’m young” excuse doesn’t work anymore. Lost and afraid. Still trying to hold onto the myth and lies they tell us in high school. We are so delusional that we don’t even know that we are not living for what we love, but running away from what we fear. We make excuses for why we need more hours, to buy more things, to become more unhappy.
Still living in our parent’s basement, and we are losers for it. We didn’t follow the American dream. We don’t have the $80,000 job, we don’t have the wife and kids, and we don’t have the white picket fence. We are stuck between our dreams and a hard place. That college degree was supposed to give us what we wanted. They all promised us that. Parents, teachers, friends. All of them. The formula was supposed to be perfect. But they don’t tell you that life happens, and sometimes when it does you’ll have to change. And that change can be a bitter bitch. Time doesn’t give a crap about your plans. That’ll time will come and go. Either you transition with it or you’ll be left behind. We are still stuck in freshman year of college. Trying to relive a life that’s gone in a haze of beer pong, cold pizza, frat parties, and skipped classes when the weather warmed. Where going on 22 day beer binges during final’s week was welcomed with high fives and tally marks. It’s tragic that we think the best years of our lives are passed away. The rising of the sun, and the haze of the moon marks a new day, our minds are still stuck in times passed.
A major life event propelled us to change. We got fired, got arrested, we divorced, we were altered by a physical accident, we realized who we were was a myth and we had to stop living the lie. Life had kicked the shit out of us, and now we are getting up with blood running from our noses, half dazed, looking at life in the eyes and saying “is that all you got?” Bring it. We’re misunderstood and we’re not playing by the rules. When you fail no one wants to touch you. It’s as though you have leprosy and if touching you would infect their lives with failure and ruin their carefully crafted lives. Friends don’t call anymore. They stop liking your Facebook posts. You’re the whispers at parties. You are the “at least that’s not me” person. You find yourself on Craigslist clicking through the job’s section because you’re tired of being hungry and eating actual food would be great once in awhile. You avoid certain places because you don’t want people you used to know run into you and ask you the “so what are you doing now?” Because if they ask you that question you will be compelled to lie. You’ll say you’re doing Internet work, as vague as that is, because chasing your dreams isn’t what’s hot right now. Later you’ll feel ashamed and guilty that you had to lie about where you are in life. Sometimes it’ll feel like you’re spinning out of control, and there’s nothing to grasp to steady you. You’ll secretly crave a lucky break, but in the back of your mind you know that break will never come. We just want anything. An email, a call, a twitter follow. Anything that will confirm to us that we are on the right track. We need these small victories to keep going.
Sometimes you pray asking God if he’ll answer this one wish and you and that you’ll feed baby penguins in Antarctica for life, and you’ll pray again asking for the same thing tomorrow. You feel like you’ve done all the hard work, and it’s your time now. But what we don’t realize that maybe right now is the beginning, and that scares the shit out of us. We sleep today hoping tomorrow will be better. That what we did today will yield fruits in the future. We worry about our health because all we eat are ramen noddles and junk food. Hoping that we can hold on until we succeed. We don’t sleep because we are refreshing our email, hoping that someone believes in us this one time. But it rarely comes and we think we are slowly slipping into insanity. It’s probably a great idea that we go see a psychiatrist because we transition from pure bliss to suicidal in matter of seconds.
We are being stubborn and impractical. We left(got fired) a great job and benefits and stability for a life of wondering “what the hell am I doing with my life?” Every moment our patience runs out and our expectations are crushed. We moved back in with family because, well we don’t have to pay rent. That’s what losers do, we cut corners. We make our lives bare, because that’s really all we have.